forty-three.

‘Ello girlies. Can’t promise this will be an inspirational post or anything. I don’t even think it’ll be positive, but I’m determined to pull through! By the end of this post, I will be happy!

What’s with the negative attitude already, you wonder?
I got all pretty for a fork boy today and I didn’t even see him.

Yeah, laaaaaame. Maybe this is a sign from God… if so, I’m determined to ignore it!

My hair was so pretty too. My beloved roomie straightened it and as she said, “You look like an international pop star. He’s gonna die when he sees this.”
Except he didn’t ‘cause he never did.

Oh, and, in case you couldn’t guess it, Emily has moved from ‘I’m curious about you’ to ‘I’m seriously crushing on you’. Gah.

There’s a Mardi Gras dance tonight (little late, huh?) and I’m not going. I’m not a big dancing girl or anything, I just really really don’t want to go tonight. Reasons?
1) It’s windy and cold as hell outside.
2) As much as I hate to admit it, fork boy won’t be there, so I have no reason

Instead, I’m curling up in front of the comp to watch Gilmore Girls and bemoan Rory’s loss of Logan in the final season with my handy dandy fro-yo. Oh yes, big evening for meee.

A good thing though- fork boy has totally stopped the glaring. Now, it’s just awkward staring. Let me set the scene:

Fork boy: *stare*
Me: *catches him staring; expects him to look away*
Fork boy: *stare*
Me: *panic*
Fork boy: … *stare*
Me: *runs away*

 

Fork boy: *staaaare*

I feel like I have something weird on my face that he keeps staring at but no, no luck there.
I do not understand boys nor do I ever wish too.
I’ll stick with trying to get through Spanish 2H without having to talk at all.

 

I’m a lame-o (see mention above) ‘cause I have been so self-conscious lately and haven’t been taking my phone to lunch… well, I have, I just don’t take pictures ‘cause I feel like some one’s staring me down.

Oh wait, they are.

Anyways, I do have some bar pictures. [I' am still eating brekkie, lunch & dinner, don’t fear!)

To be completely honest, I really do not like this flavor.
It’s too dry and maybe me feel too jittery.

Like everyone else, I’ve heard the rumors about clif/luna’s eviiil
chemical taste but I haven’t actually experienced it.
until now.

Another bar that I really didn’t like. It sounded so tasty but
really, it’s just blegh.

And presenting the missing element of the Emily diet:

yooooogurt. :D
Not my favorite flavor, but  it’ll do.

Oh, and some evil demonic soul stole some of my yogurt. My special, I-got-on-public-transport-for-an-hour-and-a-half Chobani. They stole my –peach- flavor too.  Sure, I don’t like peach flavor all too much (ironic huh, me being from Georgia and all) but I just knew Chobani would renew my faith in the fleshy fruits.

Guess I’ll never know.
I seriously hate communal fridges. D:

Sharing time:

more roomie hair skills.
”i’m zee masta of zee flatz iron-a.”
yeah, she fails at a german accent. ;)

Have a nice Saturday night. Some one go live it up for me, while I wallow in self-pity like a lame-o, tehe.

loveyouall♥
your support is always so wonderful. *hugzz*

forty-two.

Let’s have some cake before I dish out some  stories from the life of Em.

look at me, I’m delicious fattening frosting. :)

Okay, so remember el chico that I was talking about in my last post?

Uhh, he hates me… a lot.

Before you go, “What!? No, you are crazy!”, lemme explain. Today, at lunch, two of my best lunch buddies and I were sitting down at the ‘peanut-free’ table… not sure why that needed to be included but anways! Our cafeteria has these weird round tables and –sometimes- the chairs between tables make it hard to walk through. Usually, nice people are like, “Excuse me, could you scoot in a little? Thanks so much!” It’s a really simple process and, really, how hard can it be to say excuse me?

Apparently too hard, ‘cause el chico just slams into the back on my chair WITHOUT saying anything. Needless to say, I was pissed. Normally, I wouldn’t really care, but it just so happens that there was an innocent looking little fork on the table that my hand just so happened to smash into when he pushed my chair.

It hurt quite a bit and it bled.
Just a little, but still.

I was bleeding.
And angry.
And hurt.
And a lot of other things.
But mostly, pissed.

One of my friends just looked at me and was like, “Uh oh… what are you going to do?” I didn’t even answer- I was so mad. I was bleeding for God’s sake and he doesn’t even say “Excuse me” or “Sorry”!

Short break between stories:

chai tea latte with a carrot cake clif bar.
my favorite snack combo, besides emgurt.

 

So, later today, as I was coming out of the Chemistry building, I saw him again, walking towards his dorm. To get to my dorm, I had to cross his path. Equipped with my newly bandaged hand, I was just going to play it cool and be normal.

That was until he glared at me, when he walked by.
Not just “glare”, but I mean glaaaare.
Like death-glare.

He literally walked by me, glaring, and then turned around to look at me, still glaring. Glare. glare. glare.
And no, I wasn’t mistaken. An upperclassman that was walking behind me was like, “Oh, that’s awkward... he must be really angry with her.”

I’m not really one of those people that gets freaked out by this. But on top of the fork-chair thing? I was in the “You have got to be kidding me” / “You are walking on thin ice” mood.
I mean glaring… come on! I don’t even talk to him. He was no reason to glare at me, let alone be angry with me.

Last year, I did talk to him, but this year, I just don’t because 1) we don’t have many classes together, and 2)  I’m lazy and shy... mostly shy.

I honestly have no clue what I did to him… I mean, was I the one that gave someone a fork injury ‘cause I can’t manage to say excuse me when I try to get by? That’s a negative!

Anyways, here’s some trail mix for the road:

imagine you’re eating this as you enjoy your blog reading.:)

I’ll be commenting tomorrow, girlies, I promise. I’m a tad busy lately (see those lame food pictures?) with school right now, so I’ll do the best I can. I love you guys bunches. ♥ You all leave such wonderful comments that I'm always overjoyed to read! I hope I can do you all justice and leave comments of the same quality. :)

Thanks for always listening to my ranting. (I seem to be doing that a lot lately!) If I had some Emgurt, I’d totally share but I’ve been lacking in that department lately. :( Oh well, imaginary Emgurt for everyone.

forty.

Sorry I didn’t post sooner! I was building up the suspense…

err, not really.

I was just getting ready for the boring school house. I’m back now (yuck!) and my internet’s working so expect comments tonight/tomorrow morning.

So…. *evil snicker* shall we start with some food pictures?

***seasonal flavor***
when I opened the wrapper, I was surrounded by the smell
of apples. yummy, fresh apples. mmm. :)

I just had to have this with some Emgurt!

some homemade pizza by the madre.
she mades the dough herself :D

BAKING #2
date, granola, walnut muffins. :)
mmmm, deliciousness.

the last night home: veal with steamed spinach and sautéed mushrooms.
mmmmmmmm! num num num.

last emgurt a la casa.
honey chobani with dates and extra honey!

cherry > apple
♥

Storytime!

Well, not that special story time. ;)

Last Sunday, mis padres y yo went to Savannah. :D It was mostly for me to take pictures but we did eat at our favorite restaurant up there: Tubby’s! Best. seafood. ever. I had cheese grits and fried oysters, with a bit of calamari on the side. Num num.

cows.

Okay, okay, I’ve tortured you long enough. Here’s the fortieth post special story. There’s two actually but one’s really quick and happy, while the other… isn’t so much.

Let’s start happy, ‘kay? I GOT MY PERIOD. WHOOOOOOOOOT. :D *dance dance dance*

*dance*

I’m happy but not. I’m glad that I have it but it hurts like hell! Before, when I had it, it hurt pretty badly (once, it landed me in the infirmary at 2 am) but never like this. I was up all last night and I was so tied this morning. I was falling asleep everywhere I sat down.

Story Number Dos! Perhaps it might be a bit triggering… no reading unless you’re okay with me mentioning my personal ED... a lot.

This is a little bit about my “journey”, if you will. I never talked about it, never even told my parents/closest friends. (actually I did tell one person, but that’s another story for another time.) I wanted to share it with you guys first, since I think you’d understand better than they would. It’s my way of getting my courage up to tell *at least* my mom, if not both the padres. I’ve got to admit, I’m afraid to talk about it, even a bit ashamed…? I just know I need to, because if I keep it to myself, I’m afraid I’ll start to think it’s okay. If no one but me knows, then no one can tell me it’s wrong, but if I tell somebody, anybody, they can reassure me that it’s wrong to want to be bony and sickly. I’ve been putting this off for a while now but there’s no time like the present.

I think ED started when I was in 7th grade, the transition period between just being a kid and kinda growing up a little. I started noticing things about my body, specifically my legs. I dunno why but ED has always targeted my legs. “They’re too fat! They touch at the top and wobble everywhere. Look at your huge thighs! You. are. gross.” Even now, I worry about my legs. I hate wearing shorts, because they hug your legs and always make me feel really bulky. Skirts were a middie for me, because they were flowy but showed off part of my leg. Jeans are okay sometimes but I always feel disgusting if I sit down in them because my legs squish out and look bigger. I was also starting a new school back then, so I was scared no one would like me because of how “fat” I was. (At my old school, everyone had known each other since kindergarten so I was never pressured.) I noticed how other girls were taller and skinnier. The silly thing was, I was one of them- I was one of the tallest, skinniest girls in the school, but I just couldn’t see that. I don’t know for sure whether or not I was at a low BMI then, because I never thought to weigh myself, but I did know that there was something differing about how I ate, dressed, looked, etc. I was paler and bonier- my ribcage was totally visible.
In 8th grade, I got my own personal camera. It really jumpstarted the obsession. I would take pictures of my legs in the mirror at the beginning of every month and compare them over time to see if they looked better. They never looked good enough. I always felt sick after I ate and I refused to eat lunch. Everyone just assumed it was because the food was bad. I started skipping breakfast and only ate dinner and a tiny snack. My parents were going through some rough times- my mom was in recovery from cancer and my dad had just been replaced at work. He was always busy and she was always tired. So no one noticed what I was doing and I loved it. I loved being able to follow my “dream”, or so I called it.
In 9th grade, I went off to boarding school and was bombarded by girls who only cared about their weight and how they looked. Honestly, no girl that year was satisfied with how she looked. That plunged me deeper into ED and my legs were, for the first time, small enough for him. I hardly ate at all. I skipped every meal, claiming it was too far to walk to the dining hall. ED told me it was okay that people thought I was antisocial and never spoke to me- I had my “pretty, thin legs”. (They looked like tiny grayish twigs.) When I went home for the summer, I was sad, sad that now, with my parents never letting my leave their sight, I couldn’t do the same, sick cycle. I gained all of the weight I lost back and started Calorie Count to get it off". I got down a few pounds and I was relatively happy. ED still told me I had fat thighs but, with my parents around me, I never gave in to him. As soon as they were away or I went somewhere with a friend, ED would win.
At the beginning of this year (10th), I got to my absolute worst. I went to the gym every morning, never at breakfast, skipped lunch, practiced field hockey for two tough hours , ate a tiny salad with skim milk and went back to my room to study. Calorie Count estimated that my calories (monthly average) were 593. I weighed 103, my “favorite “weight". I was so pale and bony that people started asking questions. I always told them I was sick and made up excuses. They always bought them.
Sometime around late October/early November, I got angry. Angry with ED. Angry with me. Angry with my parents. Angry with my friends. Angry with everyone. I was just angry. I made a blog and started posting a little bit, pretending like ED wasn’t a part of me. I told myself that I wasn’t going to be just another girl with an eating disorder. Deep down, I knew I was.
Then I fought with my best friends pretty badly in November, only a few days before my birthday. I told her I hated her and blamed her for terrible things. Part of me believed it. After I stopped speaking to her, ED started speaking less and less to me. I started to eat and gain weight. I committed to my food blog, earning the laughs of a few classmates as I snapped pictures. I still do. :)

That’s my story. Sorry it’s so long!! Hopefully, you guys don’t mind me sharing. It lifted a big weight off my shoulders and gives me the feeling that I can tell my mom- she’s going to understand, I think.

I’ll get to commenting tomorrow, ‘cause for now, I’m off to beddie bye. ♥

twenty-eight.

Hola chicas! After skipping another day of blogging, I have this to confess:

I have not eaten yogurt in three days. :o

Yeah, the dining hall is being purely evil and not serving any yogurt, at all! :( I have some Yoplait and Activia stowed in the fridge, but I want to save that for exams next week.

If there's no yogurt tomorrow, some one is going to be in trouble.

Yesterday's Breakfast:

Rice Krispies + Skim Milk
*snap* *crackle* *pop*

Mr. Currant Scone + Cream Cheese Frosting
(weird combination, but a delicious breakfast treat!)

Yesterday's Snack:

Heated him up for a bit in the microwave.
yum, yum, yum. the walnuts are so big and tasty! :)

Other than those foodies, I have no pictures from yesterday. I lost my phone half way through the day and that resulted in a lack of food pictures to share. Sorry. :(

But on to today! :D I got my AGII test back and I didn't fail- only an A-! I'm really excited about it since I thought I had gotten at least half of the questions wrong! :D My average went down to an A, but I'm okay with that. So relieved too- I thought I was going to have to majorly cram for the exam.

Today was a weird pig-out sort of day for me- a bunch of oily, greasy, sugary foods that everyone knooows they love.

Snack:

Lunch:

veggie quesdilla with a side of veggies. x2
(Me gustan las verduras. :D)



Hello, cheesy, oily, veggie deliciousness.
(well, maybe not the oily part :o)

Dinner:

two slices of steaming hot cheese pizza.
♥ I was ready for a challenge today!

Snack #2:

two lindt dark chocolate truffles, leftover
from mi madre's v-day package.

Nothing else important to report. The weather was nice today, windy as usual but bright.

Spring's coming. :)
Have a great rest of the night, girlies! ♥

fourteen.

Today was a nice day too, surprisingly. The cafeteria even had ice cream, which is always a sign that people are happy. :)

I finished up the last of my poetry paper this morning with a Maple Nut Clif Bar. I have to admit that I had a few negative thoughts about it but, lo and behold, the Clif Company came through again with another delicious flavor!
+ Thanks for all the comments encouraging me on the paper. :D

Lunch today was a salad with every type of veggie possible... that is different peppers, onions, peas, tomatoes, even eggplant. It was so huge that people stepped out of the way when I walked by. Haha, just kidding. :) I also had some fried rice and a bowl of tomato-spinach soup.

And since there was ice cream, there were also maraschino cherries! I used to really dislike them when I was little, but I've grown really fond of them now. They were so yummy alongside mini chocolate chips in my vanilla yogurt.

I'm so addicted now that I am forced to steal ceramic bowls from the dining hall to carry out my yogurt. Unfortunately today, the headmaster caught me. :o He was so cute and let me go after I explained to him how delicious it was! It was too and well worth the risk!

Dinner was pretty boring, salad again because there was only chicken as an entree. I ate three apples to make up for it though and stole part of brownie from a friend.

I'm off to bed now- hitting the hay a bit early tonight. :) Night.

thirteen.

It's grocery shopping day! :D There was a little scare this morning as to whether or not the bus would come to take my roommate and me, but all worked out well.

"Winter Gardens" at school, while waiting for the bus.

Today was such a warm day for winter, over fifty degrees! I wish I could have worn shorts, but I wasn't expecting for spring to come so early... but, come to think of it, didn't Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow this year?

But, more on topic, I found all the fruits and yummies I wanted at Stop'n'Shop. The produce section was huuuuge! The bakery too was gigantic. I found this delicious carrot cake muffin! I ate it five minutes after we left.

Also, instead of Luna Bars, I got two Clif Bars: Carrot Cake♥ and Maple Nut. The Luna Bar selection was very icky: lemon zest and chocolate peppermint stick. (my least favorite!)

Just finished my poetry essay for the Scriptorium. Its about Rudyard Kipling's meditation on the lyric moment, focusing on lamentation. I still have another poetry paper to write to turn in for an actual grade, not just extra work. This new paper has to deal with John Donne's early poetry, exploring his meditation on lost love. Bleh. :/ I liked Rudyard Kipling's journeys through India much more.

I still have to read all of Book III of Paradise Lost too. Aaaand, I have a chem lab first period tomorrow. I want the weekend back again! <3