forty-two.

Let’s have some cake before I dish out some  stories from the life of Em.

look at me, I’m delicious fattening frosting. :)

Okay, so remember el chico that I was talking about in my last post?

Uhh, he hates me… a lot.

Before you go, “What!? No, you are crazy!”, lemme explain. Today, at lunch, two of my best lunch buddies and I were sitting down at the ‘peanut-free’ table… not sure why that needed to be included but anways! Our cafeteria has these weird round tables and –sometimes- the chairs between tables make it hard to walk through. Usually, nice people are like, “Excuse me, could you scoot in a little? Thanks so much!” It’s a really simple process and, really, how hard can it be to say excuse me?

Apparently too hard, ‘cause el chico just slams into the back on my chair WITHOUT saying anything. Needless to say, I was pissed. Normally, I wouldn’t really care, but it just so happens that there was an innocent looking little fork on the table that my hand just so happened to smash into when he pushed my chair.

It hurt quite a bit and it bled.
Just a little, but still.

I was bleeding.
And angry.
And hurt.
And a lot of other things.
But mostly, pissed.

One of my friends just looked at me and was like, “Uh oh… what are you going to do?” I didn’t even answer- I was so mad. I was bleeding for God’s sake and he doesn’t even say “Excuse me” or “Sorry”!

Short break between stories:

chai tea latte with a carrot cake clif bar.
my favorite snack combo, besides emgurt.

 

So, later today, as I was coming out of the Chemistry building, I saw him again, walking towards his dorm. To get to my dorm, I had to cross his path. Equipped with my newly bandaged hand, I was just going to play it cool and be normal.

That was until he glared at me, when he walked by.
Not just “glare”, but I mean glaaaare.
Like death-glare.

He literally walked by me, glaring, and then turned around to look at me, still glaring. Glare. glare. glare.
And no, I wasn’t mistaken. An upperclassman that was walking behind me was like, “Oh, that’s awkward... he must be really angry with her.”

I’m not really one of those people that gets freaked out by this. But on top of the fork-chair thing? I was in the “You have got to be kidding me” / “You are walking on thin ice” mood.
I mean glaring… come on! I don’t even talk to him. He was no reason to glare at me, let alone be angry with me.

Last year, I did talk to him, but this year, I just don’t because 1) we don’t have many classes together, and 2)  I’m lazy and shy... mostly shy.

I honestly have no clue what I did to him… I mean, was I the one that gave someone a fork injury ‘cause I can’t manage to say excuse me when I try to get by? That’s a negative!

Anyways, here’s some trail mix for the road:

imagine you’re eating this as you enjoy your blog reading.:)

I’ll be commenting tomorrow, girlies, I promise. I’m a tad busy lately (see those lame food pictures?) with school right now, so I’ll do the best I can. I love you guys bunches. ♥ You all leave such wonderful comments that I'm always overjoyed to read! I hope I can do you all justice and leave comments of the same quality. :)

Thanks for always listening to my ranting. (I seem to be doing that a lot lately!) If I had some Emgurt, I’d totally share but I’ve been lacking in that department lately. :( Oh well, imaginary Emgurt for everyone.

forty-one.

Hiya chicas! :D Hope everyone is having a LOVELY weekend.

I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you that left me such wonderful comments! I really appreciate it. I thought I was alone in the whole leg dealio but it’s good to know I’m not crazy. Plus, I think I can finally tell me Mom… the next time I see her, which will be in a long time… like May? Gar! :( I hope I don’t chicken out by then.

Not very many eats to show and those that I do have are pretty icky looking. Since I got my camera back, I really hate taking pictures with my phone. (I use my phone for lunch/dinner pictures because I eat in the dining hall and my camera for snacks/breakfast which I usually eat in my room.)

I do have quite a few bar pictures though.

not really my favorite. it was okay, but too sweet for me.

one of my favorite bars. i love the mango-y flavor. mmm.

   wow! this is such a wonderful flavor. really, it’s almost as
delicious as the mango macadamia kind bar or the cherry
pie larabar, but not quite. it really does wake you up!

close-up. lots of almond slivers and the vanilla-yogurt stuff on the
top and bottom was pretty tasty.

mmmmm!!! I loved how  lemony it was. really really good.

a lunch and dinner from friday.chicken soup + Fritos x2 
I haven’t had Fritos since 7th grade. I forgot how much I love them!

a piece of FRIED cod (can you see him back there?),
steamed green beans + tomatoes, and some weird chip thing.

I’ve been trying really hard to eat chips lately. I’ve never been a junk food kind of person but there are some fatty foods that I really like (fritos and kettle cooked potato chips.) that I’ve “given up”.

I’ve also been trying to lay off the yogurt, especially the low fat kind. In my mind, low fat = low calorie, low calorie = restricting, etc. etc. Low fat just seems to trigger me now. However, the roomie and I are going to stop’n’shop tomorrow because I have these:

Yes! The lovely people at Stonyfield sent me some free yogurt coupons. :O

I can’t wait! I’ve only tried Fage (once) and Chobani (my love), in the Greek yogurt department, so I’m excited to expand my horizons.  I’ve heard mixed reviews about Oikos so I think I’ll do my own review tomorrow, once I taste. :) [Don’t worry, Mr. Chobani will come home with me too! The honey flavor, especially!)

I feel kinda weird today, not sure why. I just… I dunno, I’ve started to… ekk! I’m kinda embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve kinda started noticing this guy in my grade. Like, not just notice, but, you know, notice. I haven’t had this feeling since back in July of last year, right when I started going out with Fritz that, honestly as stupid/immature/childish/silly as it sounds, I really did love. He was the first and only person I ever told about ED and , when I told him, it just kinda slipped out- I didn’t mean to tell him. He was understanding about ED and helped me with it a lot. Unfortunately, it ended pretty badly in December and we stopped talking. I was really broken up about it because it was my fault. I cried all the time about it… ugg! That sounds really icky, you know? Makes me feel like one of those silly teenage girls that obsess over guys, when I’m really not. I don’t pay much attention to them at all, ‘cause they have the same maturity level that they did when they were five. But Fritz was different. (That sounds even worse to me. Gaaah!) And, I dunno, this boy just seems different too… deep down, my gut says, “No, Em, he. is. not.” but my heart says different. Whenever I see him, I basically run. Bolt is more like it. I’m afraid that he might be able to see through all the fake crap I put up when I’m with other people. I really hate feeling jumbled up like this, especially when compounded with ED.

Because, to be honest, ED is being an ass lately. I had a really bad day eating today and I went to the gym for a loooong time. And the worst part? I’ve been planning since about Wednesday night / Thursday morning when I could go to the gym and work out a lot. I’ve been piling a lot of food on my plate for lunch and only eating a little. I got really freaked out when one of my friends asked, “Why do you always get so much food and then never eat it? You don’t eat anything!” ED’s being a sneaky little thing and getting back at me since I’m at school. And I’m feeling really icky about my legs. They just seem extra fat this week… and it’s only the first week back. No, I’m going to beat this. I’m going to win. ED’s not going to have control over the rest of my life.

Ahhh! I’m probably boring you girls by now with all my babbling! I’ll be commenting later night ‘cause I’ve got lots of time. ;) Have a nice Saturday night!

forty.

Sorry I didn’t post sooner! I was building up the suspense…

err, not really.

I was just getting ready for the boring school house. I’m back now (yuck!) and my internet’s working so expect comments tonight/tomorrow morning.

So…. *evil snicker* shall we start with some food pictures?

***seasonal flavor***
when I opened the wrapper, I was surrounded by the smell
of apples. yummy, fresh apples. mmm. :)

I just had to have this with some Emgurt!

some homemade pizza by the madre.
she mades the dough herself :D

BAKING #2
date, granola, walnut muffins. :)
mmmm, deliciousness.

the last night home: veal with steamed spinach and sautéed mushrooms.
mmmmmmmm! num num num.

last emgurt a la casa.
honey chobani with dates and extra honey!

cherry > apple
♥

Storytime!

Well, not that special story time. ;)

Last Sunday, mis padres y yo went to Savannah. :D It was mostly for me to take pictures but we did eat at our favorite restaurant up there: Tubby’s! Best. seafood. ever. I had cheese grits and fried oysters, with a bit of calamari on the side. Num num.

cows.

Okay, okay, I’ve tortured you long enough. Here’s the fortieth post special story. There’s two actually but one’s really quick and happy, while the other… isn’t so much.

Let’s start happy, ‘kay? I GOT MY PERIOD. WHOOOOOOOOOT. :D *dance dance dance*

*dance*

I’m happy but not. I’m glad that I have it but it hurts like hell! Before, when I had it, it hurt pretty badly (once, it landed me in the infirmary at 2 am) but never like this. I was up all last night and I was so tied this morning. I was falling asleep everywhere I sat down.

Story Number Dos! Perhaps it might be a bit triggering… no reading unless you’re okay with me mentioning my personal ED... a lot.

This is a little bit about my “journey”, if you will. I never talked about it, never even told my parents/closest friends. (actually I did tell one person, but that’s another story for another time.) I wanted to share it with you guys first, since I think you’d understand better than they would. It’s my way of getting my courage up to tell *at least* my mom, if not both the padres. I’ve got to admit, I’m afraid to talk about it, even a bit ashamed…? I just know I need to, because if I keep it to myself, I’m afraid I’ll start to think it’s okay. If no one but me knows, then no one can tell me it’s wrong, but if I tell somebody, anybody, they can reassure me that it’s wrong to want to be bony and sickly. I’ve been putting this off for a while now but there’s no time like the present.

I think ED started when I was in 7th grade, the transition period between just being a kid and kinda growing up a little. I started noticing things about my body, specifically my legs. I dunno why but ED has always targeted my legs. “They’re too fat! They touch at the top and wobble everywhere. Look at your huge thighs! You. are. gross.” Even now, I worry about my legs. I hate wearing shorts, because they hug your legs and always make me feel really bulky. Skirts were a middie for me, because they were flowy but showed off part of my leg. Jeans are okay sometimes but I always feel disgusting if I sit down in them because my legs squish out and look bigger. I was also starting a new school back then, so I was scared no one would like me because of how “fat” I was. (At my old school, everyone had known each other since kindergarten so I was never pressured.) I noticed how other girls were taller and skinnier. The silly thing was, I was one of them- I was one of the tallest, skinniest girls in the school, but I just couldn’t see that. I don’t know for sure whether or not I was at a low BMI then, because I never thought to weigh myself, but I did know that there was something differing about how I ate, dressed, looked, etc. I was paler and bonier- my ribcage was totally visible.
In 8th grade, I got my own personal camera. It really jumpstarted the obsession. I would take pictures of my legs in the mirror at the beginning of every month and compare them over time to see if they looked better. They never looked good enough. I always felt sick after I ate and I refused to eat lunch. Everyone just assumed it was because the food was bad. I started skipping breakfast and only ate dinner and a tiny snack. My parents were going through some rough times- my mom was in recovery from cancer and my dad had just been replaced at work. He was always busy and she was always tired. So no one noticed what I was doing and I loved it. I loved being able to follow my “dream”, or so I called it.
In 9th grade, I went off to boarding school and was bombarded by girls who only cared about their weight and how they looked. Honestly, no girl that year was satisfied with how she looked. That plunged me deeper into ED and my legs were, for the first time, small enough for him. I hardly ate at all. I skipped every meal, claiming it was too far to walk to the dining hall. ED told me it was okay that people thought I was antisocial and never spoke to me- I had my “pretty, thin legs”. (They looked like tiny grayish twigs.) When I went home for the summer, I was sad, sad that now, with my parents never letting my leave their sight, I couldn’t do the same, sick cycle. I gained all of the weight I lost back and started Calorie Count to get it off". I got down a few pounds and I was relatively happy. ED still told me I had fat thighs but, with my parents around me, I never gave in to him. As soon as they were away or I went somewhere with a friend, ED would win.
At the beginning of this year (10th), I got to my absolute worst. I went to the gym every morning, never at breakfast, skipped lunch, practiced field hockey for two tough hours , ate a tiny salad with skim milk and went back to my room to study. Calorie Count estimated that my calories (monthly average) were 593. I weighed 103, my “favorite “weight". I was so pale and bony that people started asking questions. I always told them I was sick and made up excuses. They always bought them.
Sometime around late October/early November, I got angry. Angry with ED. Angry with me. Angry with my parents. Angry with my friends. Angry with everyone. I was just angry. I made a blog and started posting a little bit, pretending like ED wasn’t a part of me. I told myself that I wasn’t going to be just another girl with an eating disorder. Deep down, I knew I was.
Then I fought with my best friends pretty badly in November, only a few days before my birthday. I told her I hated her and blamed her for terrible things. Part of me believed it. After I stopped speaking to her, ED started speaking less and less to me. I started to eat and gain weight. I committed to my food blog, earning the laughs of a few classmates as I snapped pictures. I still do. :)

That’s my story. Sorry it’s so long!! Hopefully, you guys don’t mind me sharing. It lifted a big weight off my shoulders and gives me the feeling that I can tell my mom- she’s going to understand, I think.

I’ll get to commenting tomorrow, ‘cause for now, I’m off to beddie bye. ♥

thirty-nine.

Hola chicas! Having a super fantastic amazing day? To begin with, it’s the weekend so that makes it great. And the fact that I’m a tad hyper and very excited also makes today pretty special. You’ll never guess why I’m so happy!

I won’t give you a chance to guess anyways.,. Drum roll, please! *imagines one*

I have a great big secret that

will be revealed in my

FORTIETH* post!

*title wise, not actual post count (‘cause I don’t count my “bio” post as a reeeal post)

Well, it’s kinda a secret, but not really… hmm, that’s a bit confusing, so here’s a clue: It’s a story. That’s the only clue you get too. (It’s a surprise secret story, a’course!) And if you can guess BEFORE I tell the story, you can have some vitrual Emgurt, which I what I’m calling my yogurt creations from now on… or until I can come up a more creative name.

Now, onto today! Not many eatsies to share, but flowers and lots of them. So many, in fact, that if you’re using an older model computer, you should exit this window immediately ‘cause it might explode. Yeah, there’s that many.

the backyard series:

omg, pollen covered toes. allergies beware!

the downtown series:

^ my favorite. (I really like the lighting.)

Alright, it’s safe to open your eyes. The floweriness is over.

Gotcha! I had to throw in one more. You guys were simply too gullible. But, hey, put it this way! You got to see a cute little booger ‘s butt. ;)

Anyways, “the downtown series” (fancy name, huh?) was only part of today’s trip. The madre and I went shopping! It’s my last weekend home so we got anything left on my list… and some things that weren’t.

Tsk, tsk, all that will come later so hold your horses.

Now, back to the story (no, not the secret surprise story!). Well, the madre wanted to go look at fabrics ‘cause she likes to quilt and sew (hello, clue #12,854 that the padres are hippies!). As she was perusing the fabrics, I took a walk down the street and came across a wee little Presbyterian church that had monster-sized gardens that were in full bloom.

Cue the camera.

After he (aka Mr. Camera) died, I had nothing to do but hit up one of my favorite clothing stores: Plato’s Closet. Excited for the finds? Well, have at it:

american eagle patchwork spaghetti strap dress - $6

free people sundress - $15

inc denim skirt - $8

In case ya’ll haven’t noticed, I love me some Free People. If only it wasn’t so expensive! The dresses I see in the catalog are usually $100+ so there’s no way I could ever have any of their clothes without Plato's Closet. I think this calls for an ode:

Plato’s Closet, how magnificent art thou!
With the clothes that are stuffed in your drawer, (<- say like “draaowww… or something.)
I am content to be thought of as such a pow!

Mmm, needs a little work, I think. No matter! Words could never sum up my love for PC.
Yes, I’ve given the store a nickname.

But, believe it or not, there’s something I actually found today (at Goodwill no less!) that trumps any find I have or will ever make:

flat ankle booties from the 30’s - $9

This adorable little old lady dropped them off right as I walked in and, when I picked them up, she tapped me on the shoulder and insisted on telling me their story. She wore them only once in 1938, on the way to the grocery store. She told me to take very good care of them, just like she had. *swoon* I love cute, little things. :)

Okay, okay! Here’s the food. Geeez.

pollo con las papas y… umm… Brussels sprout-os!

I did say that I had *very little* food to share today. Breakfast was bacon (:O!) and scrambled eggs. Lunch was a cheese burrito with Mexican rice+salsa (Senor Camara was resting in peace at this time).

Wait, you say, where’s that Emgurt?
Maybe you didn’t say that, but I’ll just pretend you did.

Tada!

Per Morgy’s suggestion, pineapples + fro-yo. I topped it off with some “Save the Forest” granola and honey. And I’ll be sharing tonight, so eat up:

Tehe.

I'm going on a little day trip tomorrow so I'll comment on your blogs tomorrow night.
Special comments to complement the special post. :D

I’m falling out of my happy day/caffeine-induced hyperactivity so I’m heading to mi cama.

Wow! 1:40 in the morning?! :o

Oh, sorry, must stay focused. Sooo…... night! ♥